No relationship is perfect. I think Wes and I understand this very well. And, the best relationships require effort every day. A relationship can either sink you or be the most rewarding part of your life. On the day that Wes proposed was the day that we decided that it was worth the effort and we wanted to make our marriage the best it could be.
Many churches require you to take courses to get you “ready” for your marriage. I love the idea of trying to work out the kinks and building a great foundation for the next few decades. We aren’t taking one of these courses because a close friend named Rebecca is going to marry us. She is Wes’s advisor. She has seen the evolution of our relationship from day 1….even pre-day 1. Also, Wes likes to share all the intimate details of our life with her (most of the time I don’t mind this), so she is in a unique position to lead of our ceremony. J
Usually these courses involve talking about children, money and how to share responsibilities. I think Wes and I have these things pretty much worked out: we want 2.5 kids, we would like more money, and I cook as long as he does the dishes and pretends to like everything I cook. Easy as pie, right?
Well, one thing that we aren’t always good at is communication. Most of the time, we are fine. But, when Wes is tired and I am hungry sometimes the conversation breaks down and we end up doing something that we have recently identified as “spaghetti talk”. Something like this:
Meg: Why don’t you understand everything that I think?
Wes: I think you don’t understand me!
Meg: Well, I resent that you think that I think that.
Wes: I don’t understand.
Then, I make my mad face:
Wes makes his defeated face……
Don’t worry we quickly made up on this trip in Traverse City, MI.
I digress. Back to my point. The conversation is unclear. In addition, these conversations end up being about trying to figure out what you are saying rather than being about the important issue that you should be talking about. Anyway, so we decided to buy a book about ways to better talk and listen to each other so that we can avoid situations like the one above. It is inevitable that bad things are going to happen and we are going to have to work it out together. This book is based on research done by a psychologist who conducted a study that showed that whether a newlywed couple will divorce or not can be predicted with 93% accuracy based on how positive or negative they are during the first 3 minutes of conflict discussion (Gottman et al. 1999). Crazy, huh?
We have just begun to read the book and I think it has helped facilitate a few conversations. So, A+ for us so far. It makes me very happy to know that on the day that we exchange vows that we will be even more prepared to deal with tricky situations as partners.
Did you all do something to prepare to for married life? Do you have any tips?
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